It’s hard out here.

*disclaimer: this is not soft-porn so get your mind out of the gutter*

I’ve been procrastinating this entry because this is some serious exposure. If you know me, you know that I am the Queen of being LOW. Touching on this topic is sensitive for me but lets get into it because my women out there need to know what’s up:

I started feeling a difference during sex in 2015 with my current partner. Poor guy. At that time, it was the beginning of our relationship and I had been abstinent for months prior so I thought that I just had to get back into my groove. That was not the case, this was beyond me. I’d tell him repeatedly “It feels like you’re hitting something.” It felt like he was hitting a firm water balloon that was ready to pop with each poke. The deeper the penetration, the more painful sex became. There were a few times where penetration went too far and I was left crying on the floor, holding my knees to my chest. I could also feel that the ridges along the inside of my vagina wall were pronounced or swollen. Seriously, my vagina feels like an inside-out Wooden Crow Sounder Percussion instrument turned inside out. Go Google an image of this instrument and imagine a penis penetrating that. It’s not fun. I want to point out that he did not feel and still does not feel those things; everything felt/feels normal to him. Which is a good thing…for him.

Sex is no longer an intimate moment that I share with the man that I love and has become more of a mind fuck. I spend most of the time trying to focus on not hurting. It’s as if I’m not even present because I have to put myself into such a deep concentration of trying to focus on the good feeling while ignoring the pain. Yes, the two feelings are mutually exclusive in this situation. It’s a confusing feeling, man. In an effort to make this experience more comfortable and enjoyable for me, again, we constantly try new positions that my body will allow. We always end up looking like a Kama Sutra sex positions poster but we have fun with it. If you and your partner cannot have fun and laugh during sex, get a new one.

Although, I am still experiencing these same issues along with zero urges for sex, it’s not consistent. I thank God for my mans patience every single day. Lord knows he could stray but he’s actually holding me down and being very patient. I’m wondering if he was actually hitting my cervix, though? Can that actually happen and can it be felt?